Thoughts From 8 Years Ago, Today.

The following is a Note I posted to Facebook. It seems some outlooks never fully get away from us. (Note, I have not read through this yet. And have not made any changes to the original note.)

Lackluster Beauty.

Beauty is easily found in everthing a person comes in contact with. Allowing yourself to open your eyes and find the hidden beauty in something is definitly a gift to anyone who can do so. I’ve done this all my life, relied on the beauty inside my heart to find the good in everything, everyone, every instance. I contemplate that this is why I very seldom can find happiness in anything anymore. Beauty is much easier to come by than happiness, and false happiness is not grand, it hardens ones heart, confuses the instincts of natural love, lust, hate, even wisdom.

The only happiness I find is in the simple things, quiet moments alone with someone you care about, watching my nieces smile at me, or shy away from someone new i introduce them to, knowing the next time a hug and giggle is to come for that person. Happiness WAS always an instinct for me, if i act as such, no one will ask questions, no one will pay attention to me. It’s steadily gotten harder through the years to smile, I have learned to falsify my happiness though, awfully well indeed. Now hate is a dominating instinct in my life, it’s no so hard actually. The hardest thing to find in a PERSON anymore is true beauty. Truth. Trust. Inner Beauty. All go hand in hand with strenght now in my book, people are so WEAK.

TRUE BEAUTY…

Is in a child, humbled and ignorant.

Is in the purr of a cat, soft and gracious.

Is in the reflection of the moon on the lake, elegant and bright

.Is in the eyes of a TRUE love, honest, proud, and eternal.

Used to be in my eyes.

Used to lead me down a dark path, alone and unguarded.

Now my guard is up, now my calous heart just wants to be alone, away from it all and left to the true beauty that still remains in the world, true beauty away from people, away from the nastiness that is being a person who has loved and lost, cheated and lied, never forgave and still hoping to forget. I find true beauty in sleep, onlly on dreamless nights when nothing is turning, when no one is bruising my thoughts with pungent lies and deceit.

I’ve experinanced two beautiful people in my life, and the only true examples i can give of individuals i can give for the rest of my days. My father in passing nearly 7 years ago, and a young Dustin Tolbert who was taken for no damn good reason at all, without ever experiancing true love, but he definitly knew of true beauty because I saw it in his smile every day i knew him. I’m jealous of his humble, sweet nature. Jealous, knowing i can never be the same, It’s not all good Dustin, babe it’s not and it will never be.

True Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’m blinded.

I’ve seen true beauty this last week in a person i never expected it from. It took some digging, some hurtfull words to me from him, and a common ground to walk upon to see it, but Wes(Supertramp, lol)… you made me smile, helped me to not be hurt by people who just really don’t care and probably never will. Thanks…. ass. 🙂

I never wanted a cookie cutter life before, why start now. I guess I just always knew i never would find true beauty in a person worth sharing the cookie cutter life. A Dream maybe, but i don’t even feel like dreaming anymore, only feel like sharing, what i have learned, the hand I have been dealt, the tragedy of being a woman in a use and abuse type world.

Give me my soma, lead me to a Brave NEw World

.I have no Pride, give me Prejudice.

Indeed, Assholes do Finish First

.So now, knowlege is power, not love, not lust, I’ll just let people be vain and ignore them, I’ll witness a cheater and let the innocent party remain ignorant, I’m finally turning my cheek(hand in hand with my heart) on it all. Embracing the beauty in applied ignorance. Ignorance really is the only true power.Being miserable builds a lot more character than being happy. I have found beauty in my aches and pains and pangs of the heart. In the abundance of misery, I’m overcompensating for love.

–>the flesh

�covers the bone

and

�they put a mind

in there

�and

sometimes a soul

,and the women break

vases against the walls

and the men drink

�too much

and nobody finds

�the one

but keep

looking

crawling in and out

of beds.

flesh covers

the bone and the

flesh searches

for more than

flesh.

there’s no chance

at all

:we are all trapped

by a singular fate.

nobody ever finds

the one.

the city dumps fil

lthe junkyards fill

the madhouses fill

the hospitals fill

the graveyards fill

nothing else

fills.

——-

F#%* Eternal Sunshine

Beautiul Letdown

Beautiful Disaster

Considerable Ache

First reciprocated infatuation

Falsified by intoxication

Imagining things

Assuming things

Making an ass of things

I was “just another girl”

But to me, you were my world

Overwhelming

Uncontrollable

Unfortunate events

So I left

Eternal Sunshine Of the spotless mind

I wish

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