We were engaged for 4 years and were together for 7…
On April 29th, 13 days from today, I will have left the home I bought with my ex and three step-children for an entire year. Like February 14th, the day he proposed (and changed the meaning of Valentines Day, forever), I don’t see myself forgetting these dates, anytime soon.
I built that house into a home. He contributed financially. He yelled when the kids or I did something that didn’t bring him complete and utter pride.
But I made that house into a home–for us.
I pawned the cheap, Wal-Mart ring (actually, I had my boss take it in for me), which I had helped purchase, two weeks ago. I got $40 out of it and two other necklaces, which he had bought me for our 1st Christmas together.
I took the $40 and drank that weekend away, at a bar.
Ironic, yes, I left him, in part, because of his nightly drinking.
I don’t drink on weekdays much–anymore.
But I have been drinking every weekend. I’m far from proud of it. I’m not sure my social life is healthy–but I’m enjoying my new wings! Too much.
After 8 months of depression and the unimaginable frequency of my panxiety attacks, embarking on a social journey has exponentially increased my anxiety surrounding the upcoming anniversary.
I can’t remember why I loved him.
But I’m not in love with him
I can remember why I left him
And I don’t get to see my kids
I can still see every hole, in every wall
I can remember the sights and sounds of
I can remember giving him back the ring
I can remember taking it back
I can remember wearing it on a chain
Around my neck–for a month,
I can remember touching for the space,
The empty space of my ring finger,
More and more.
Less and less.
Till nothing was left: no indention;
No tan line; no impression; no score.
I can remember all the tears I shed
Erroneously endeavoring to wait for his
Love to soar.
I can remember thinking he would try
To be a better, more sober man.
I was a prisoner of war.
But not anymore.
•I can’t remember those nights I spent that $40. But I can remember how empty my heart felt when I was battling in that war.