Drinking Alone

I’m trying to remember

Why there were so many

Nights I chose to drink

Alone.

So I picked up a bottle:

200mL of Crown

Again.

So far

3 shots in

I’m crying

Again.

It’s a full on

3 tissue mess

Up in here

5 songs on repeat:

  • Halsey, Bad at Love
  • Tove Lo, Habits
  • Halsey, Him and I
  • Tove Lo, Cool Girl
  • Tove Lo, Moments

I remember dancing

In the clubs.

Sensual-Easy-Drunk.

Occasional Black Outs.

But alone.

At 32.

Say it with me:

I’m broken

I never did anything right.

I’m fucked up.

“But I have my moments.”

Everyone around is watching me. Or are they just looking when I look at them? I can’t tell. My head and my ego are the same now. Everything is so beautiful, but so cold. Where did the fire go? I’m having a hard time, I think. I’m detached, I’m jaded, I’m getting fucking old, man. I’m an old bitch. So what, though? I miss being naive and excited. I think that’s my natural state, actually, but someone told me long ago that you’re way cooler if you don’t care about anything, but still act like you’ve seen it all. Like everything is boring. Spoiled fuckers.

Block Quote 1: Tove Lo, Moments

Block Quote 2: Tove Lo, Fire Fade

12 thoughts on “Drinking Alone

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    1. My blackouts are definitely behind me, but they were part of the reason I quit drinking a year ago. I was drinking every night for a few years with the ex. He had anger issues and I had some health scares. Once I saw our life from a sober point of view—I started sleeping on the floor in my office at home. It went on for 5 months—then I left.

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