I picked up a plastic, 200mL bottle of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey on my way home from work this evening. Construction cones, signs and ravaged asphalt reflected in the large windows which framed the front of the liquor store. As I pulled open the heavy glass door, my stride veered to the left and straight ahead. The first bottle on the top shelf against the raw brick wall was oddly more familiar than any other bottle, at every other liquor store I had previously visited. This was the liquor store I started going to after my last relapse.
As I walked up to the counter and showed the barcode for the clerk to scan, he asked if there was anything else he could get me. I asked if he had a shot glass nearby and he chuckled. I chuckled too, because an hour earlier I had taken a Xanax, so social interaction wasn’t nearly as bad as usual.
It only cost me $9.95.
One hour later, for less than $10, I was able to shatter 12 days of sobriety.
I was ignorant when I began my relationship with alcohol, two years into a seven year relationship with my ex-fiancé. At the time, I was a year into my undergrad degree and never expected my binge drinking would burden me through the completion of my Master’s Degree.
It only took a year of binge drinking, every evening after work and/or class, for my body to manifest an extreme anxiety disorder.
Tonight(it’s now 12:40 p.m.) I drank the full bottle. It wasn’t fun but it happened.
I won’t let it happen tomorrow or the next day, nor the day after that, but I’m sure I will veer to the left, heading towards that brick wall again.